humor essay in playphilly from august the oh-six, holmes! catching up on posting old stuff! trying to slather it all up here and rub-a-dub before it disappears into the vortex!
sorting out the whole time-space continuum issue/s, too.
The bad news is you’re probably not nearly as cool as you think you are and we’re worried that you may inflict this belief on those of us already living here. Did you arrive with brightly colored plastic prefab “dorm décor”? Have you said something akin to “We’re going to ROCK school/city!” in the last couple of months?
Don’t sweat it, you’re probably alright enough, seeings how you actually made it here and everything, and don’t appear to have lost skin from your buns being taped together in the locker room or walk funny from a perma-wedgie.
(Editorial note: We realize these are outdated signals of loserdom and that today’s bitter teenagers tend to just shoot each other and other such craziness, but we don’t endorse such behavior. We long for the halcyon days when overcompensating sh*ts just orchestrated their own little John Hughes fiefdoms by mousetrapping the weak into whimsically designed character-building humiliations. What can we say? We’re optimists.)
Last question: Did you and your best friend from high school plan to attend the same school or, uh, actually room together?
Hate to harsh your “I’ll bring the stereo!” excitement, but you, friend, are a dork.
It can be a tough pill to swallow, but don’t go dropping out to return to your trusty Big Fish hometown scenario just yet (like the estimated quarter of you will do by the end of this year anyway). Being humbled is good training, as our fair city has plenty of diverse artists and writers and musicians will often make you realize you weren’t nearly as cool as you thought mere moments before seeing them do their thing.
When we think about it, it’s really kinda cute the way some of you think you’ll graduate with your current boyfriend or girlfriend “if you’re really meant to be together.” If you could crack open our gnarled, black little hearts, you’d be able to stick your finger in the goo and see that we really do think it’s adorable. Really.But then, if you could squint through the peephole in the side of our skulls, and you’d see glimmers of some of the hottest sex with other people you haven’t had yet.
Public Service Announcement: If you get in the groove of cheating on your Significant Other who’s off at another college, stuck at Community or back in high school (poor things!), have the guts and decency to break it off. You know how you really love them and want it to work out in the end but you’re, you know, just really young right now and want to have a little fun in the meantime?
Yeah well, so do they. Suck it up.
Amiga a amiga: Private to the Ladies
You will likely turn into a cartoon pork chop in the eyes of many upperclassmen. Do yourself a favor and don’t hook up with anyone for at least the first month. The problem is, everyone is shiny and new and the social hierarchy hasn’t shaken out yet. September’s Cool Cute Guy winding up February’s Obvious Asshole or Total Sh*t is pretty standard issue. You don’t want to have to spend the next four years hiding the fact that you let “that guy” touch it or trying to shake off a lewd nickname earned way back when.
Do not, I repeat, do NOT feed the animals.
Stepping back to our group hug on the welcome mat, we sincerely hope you boys and girls enjoy our city as much as we do. As for you smart, cool, creative, ambitious kids, we’ll want to talk to you about you sticking around for a while after graduation. Let the calligraphy dry on your diploma before you even think about moving away, OK?
‘Cause really it’s a great city. There’s the octopus at Dmitri’s, 4 a.m. walks through South Philly ending with a freshly baked pretzel, the BYOT policy at Lolita, free XPN-sponsored Friday afternoon concerts at World Café Live and plenty of ethnic clubs taking advantage of the private club policy to serve drinks until 3 a.m. There’s photographer Zoe Strauss, first dates at the Mutter Museum, the gang at Space 1026, free art classes at the Fleisher, Make a Rising and early autumn Sunday evening cocktails outside at Skinner’s on Second Street with our boy Tony D. And tons of other stuff you’ll find for yourselves along the way.
As for the rest of you, please try not to stink up the place.
Love,
Tara Murtha and the PLAY staff
